There are 2 kinds of lists people write that we have come across: The ‘classic’ list’ which involves your standard skydive, trip to Disneyland, or backpack across Europe, or the generally just ‘annoying’ type: Do something that scares you every day, make the world a better place type sentimental rubbish…
We can all sleep easy at night now because finally, we have an alternative list of 20 things awesome people do before they die:
1. Slide Under Shop Door Shutters Indiana Jones Style
This would look cool however, once you had completed the slide you may be stuck in some shop type thing like Poundland. This is not ideal.
2. Stop a Robber From Getting Away
This could either be a shoplifter or someone who has swiped a purse. Feel that warm glow inside as you hand it back to its grateful owner – now where’s my damn reward?
3. Star in a Viral Video
Got to be careful with this one – you don’t want to be famous for all the wrong reasons. Once you are off YouTube fame, it is perfectly socially acceptable for normally kind-hearted people to laugh in your face.
4. Nonchalantly Throw* a Basketball into a Hoop From an Incredible Distance
Everyone knows it’s cooler if you act like its normal to score an awesome shot (some skill involved, sorry!).
5. Buy Everyone in the Restaurant a Meal
This should only be attempted if you are about to get fired and have a company credit card. Lap up those high fives and feel rich.
6. Wear a Cape
You first need a reason to wear a cape. This is the hard bit. Amateur dramatic productions do not count.
7. Learn Jazz Flute
Learn in secret – then set up an elaborate situation through which you can surprise everyone with your awesome secret hobby (make sure no-one else learns too or your impact may be diluted).
8. Say “Walk With Me”
You are so important you always have to be somewhere. Get the office junior to walk with you, even if you are in the same wage bracket. Making them carry stuff is an optional extra.
9. Invite Someone to Help Themselves to a Drink From Your Drinks Globe
A completely unnecessary and impractical addition to your studio flat says maybe this is now the right thing to do in your life.
10. Have an Impossibly Witty and Original Twitter Bio
Being original is hard nowadays. Got a joke? Now Google it and see 11,247 results.
11. High Five a Bear
No real reasoning behind this one. Bears can rip your face off. Not thought this one though bro.
12. Parachute into a Social Gathering (Preferably Wearing a Tux)
There’s nothing that says “look how amazingly successful I am” like an elaborate and dangerous stunt, all the more effective in a suit.
13. Catch Salmon Like a Bear
Even though you have an inability to tie knots, you are still in touch with your inner man. You are the provider.
14. Open a Bottle of Champagne With a Sword
I’m seeing a drinks related theme evolving here – nevertheless, this makes the cut (pun very much intended). Try not to stab anyone.
15. Drive Through the Wall of a Maze in a Lawn Mower
Maybe this is where you could combine item 6?
16. Slap Someone in the Face With a Fish
Trout or sea bass? Your choice. Satisfaction guaranteed.
17. Be Called ‘Infamous’ in the Daily Mail
Admittedly not hard but worth it for the faux respect (this doesn’t count for you Trenton).
18. Throw a LaserJet Printer Out a Window
TV’s are so passé – printers are unnecessarily big, expensive money eaters. They also break into lots of little pieces, besides, you can’t break the TV, there’s a re-run of Toy Story 2 starting.
19. Smash an Ancient Relic
A great sense of power can be felt when depriving the human race of a unique historical artifact.
20. Justified Phone Theft
Steal someone’s phone who is talking loudly on public transport and nonchalantly throw it out the window before returning to continue reading a newspaper.
Well, there you have it – We’ve already completed a handful. You best catch up don’t you think?